The fandom that lived
by mtranc3
Summary: I wrote this during the LJ strikethrough as a parody of the very serious matter of censorship against freedom of expression. Alas, I forgot at the times to add it to my fanfiction account, so it may seem a little outdated now...


I wrote this during the LJ strikethrough as a parody of the very serious matter of censorship against freedom of expression. Alas, I forgot at the times to add it to my fanfiction account, so it may seem a little outdated now ;;

**THE-FANDOM-THAT-LIVED  
**(or, the-fandom-that-wouldn't-die)

_Inside a dark forest, somewhere in Great Britain._

"Now that I have fully risen to power, I intend to show the world the true extend of my powers. 'Defeated' they said for years, but still cowered in fear at the sound of my name. That's how far my influence goes, and they will regret thinking that Lord Voldemort was vanquished at the feet of a_boy_. The greatest Wizard that ever lived, trounced by the magic of a mother's love! _I _have powers that extend further and deeper than you could never hope to understand. And with you, my faithful Death Eaters, I shall prevail once more, and purge the filth that has been polluting our world..."

A collective shiver passed among the cloaked figures that were kneeling in front of Lord Voldemort.

"I have nothing" he continued after a moment of electrical silence "but the worst intentions for them, and my message will be made crystal clear in the next raid. You are free to _asdfghjk_ --"

"_Asdfghjk_?" Goyle senior muttered in a hushed tone. Crabbe senior elbowed him quiet.

The Dark Lord gave an surreptitious cough, and started over:

"Feel free, I say, to _asdfghjk_ --"

The unintelligible garble made a few Death Eaters look up timidly.

"My Lord..." Bellatrix Lestrange uttered in a hesitant voice, and Voldemort gestured that she had permission to speak.

"Did you perhaps mean _fsrtyuiop_?" Her heavy lidded eyes, widened in shock.

"_What_ in the name of Salazar...?!!!"

_Slytherin common room, Hogwarts dungeons. _

"It's dying..." Draco sighed, loosening up his tie. "And there's going to be only the fluffy-kind left!"

"Yech!" Blaise grimaced from across the room.

Draco raised his eyebrow, as if he'd made his point. He plopped down on an armchair, but jumped up again after a second.

"What if there's only canon left, and I'll never catch the Snitch in my life?!"

"Draco darling, you're being paranoid..." Pansy drawled, picking at her nails.

"_Paranoid?_ She made me hang out with _these_ guys..."

Crabbe and Goyle didn't look offended at the commend and Draco slapped his forehead.

"See? And she had me gang-hexed in a _train _compartment. She took away my Father! She took away _Umbridge_! You see why fandom cannot die??? Fandom redefined me and unfolded me. Sure, I'm a bully and a petty snot, but _a three-dimensional _petty snot, that deserves to have his side of the story, _his _truth, told as well, and fandom gave me that. It gave me even more _(Harry)_; it opened my eyes _(oh, Harry...)_, and made me realize some things_(harryharryharry)_."

"Will you stop beating around the bush? We all know you and Potter are shagging like bunnies..."

Draco nearly chocked on his spit for a moment, but quickly regained his composure. He shot Pansy a cold look;

"Exactly. I can't lose regular sex, and I happen to like bondage, and squicky things, and more importantly Harry happens to like them too..."

Pansy giggled, but Draco ignored her. _They can't take this away from me...  
_

_Caltech University, California._

"Hey! What are y'all doing huddled up like that for?"

Amita smiled and waved Don in Larry's office.

"Larry is showing us a new way to compute algorithms of _YEHOW_!" Charlie jumped up, as if stung by a bee. "You can't do that!"

"What?" Don stared at his hand, perplexed. "I just patted you on the back! Or is that forbidden too?!"

Charlie gave his big brother a sad look. "I don't know any more, but fear of prosecution can make you paranoid like that sometimes..."

He smiled sheepishly, trying to ignore the tingly feeling on his back.

_Gryffindor common room, Gryffindor tower, Hogwarts._

"What does it say, Hermione?" Ron peeped over Hermione's shoulder to read the _Daily Prophet._ The front page featured a large header in bold writing. He read it out loud:

_**DEATH EATERS ARE OUT OF A JOB!**_

_Dozens of families are protesting in front of the Atrium in the Ministry of Magic, against the recent downsizing in the Magical Law Enforcement (Auror) Department._

_"This will lead to a catastrophic chain of events, mark my words" said Aristedes Dippes, one of the laid-off Aurors._

Dean sighed heavily and brought and arm around Seamus' shoulder.

"Don't worry, it doesn't really affect your 'ship, you're amongst the lucky ones..."

"But, Hermione, what about Fred and George, or Bill and Charlie? What about them?" Harry asked, ignoring Ron beside him, who had turned into an unhealthy purple colour.

Lavender joined in the conversation eagerly; "And what about bestiality? That's illegal as well, right? Is it next? And what if one in a couple is an Animagus, or a Werewolf, is _that _considered bestiality?"

"Poor Remus and Tonks..." sighed Hermione.

"And what's after that? Censorship of BDSM? Oh, I'm sure the Lucius/Harry fans are going to love that..."

"Lav, please, too much information..." Ron protested.

"Oh, honestly, Ronald! Don't look so scandalized! It's a free fandom, or at least, it used to be..."

_Forest clearing, North Dacota._

"So you see? We can't be together any more... And he's my other half, part of myself, how can I let him go?"

The six-eyed monster/demon blinked, but remained silent.

Dean stood up and opened his arms.

"What are you looking at? Go ahead! Aren't you going to blast me into smithereens, feast upon my flesh, etcetera, etcetera?"

The monster's expression was lost amidst the layers of soggy skin, and Dean couldn't really be sure, but did it look _sympathetic_??

_Cell XI127, Azkaban Prison._

Lucius Malfoy was clutching at his tattered robes (but doing it handsomely so), a look of disgust and horror etched all over his face; newspaper pages were scattered all over the cell's grimy floor, scrunched up, as if they were trampled upon.

"Not non-con too???! IT'S THE LOOK THAT WORKS FOR HIM THE BEST, YOU IGNORANT FOOLS! Oh, just SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME ALREADY...!"

_Random staircase, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

"I think Professor Snape has it worst of all..."

Hermione looked up curiously, and Pansy rolled her eyes.

"Haven't you _heard_? Don't tell me the school's resident know-it-all, doesn't know everything after all?! He's warded up in his Potions lab, refusing to eat or drink, and rumours have it that he's brewing an anti-censorship potion, or poison... opinions differ on that. Though how something like that would work, I have no idea. I think he's just missing Harry/Draco/You/Neville... He'll come round..."

_The front page of the Daily Prophet.  
_

**VOLDEMORT AGAINST CENSORSHIP**

The self-proclaimed Ruler of all Evil, commonly referred to as You-Know-Who, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, made a public statement last night in the Circle of the Giants' Toothpicks (also know as Stonehenge). The message in true Voldemort fashion was written in blood:

Make no mistake, this is not a plea (for Dark Lords never plead), it's a warning, a threat, and a promise: If you don't bring back _asdfghjkl_ and _fsrtyuiop_, you cowering idiots, I will personally hunt you down and show you that _Crucio_ is not just a sonorant word. _She_ might have crushed my attempts to take over the world, but there are people out there, who _like_ me, and write things called Dark Fics, which include _asdfghjkl_, and _fsrtyuiop_, especially in relation to the Pest-That-Wouldn't-Die, and it's a kind of psychotherapy for me. For what is a Dark Lord who can't do_asdfghkl_ and _fsrtyuiop_ good for, I ask you? I am too young to retire, I have all of eternity in front of me and I'd hate to spend it with _fluffy bunnies_!

Sincerely yours,

Tom Riddle, aka the Ruler of all Evil, Potter's true arch-nemesis, etc., etc.

P.S. I was _RIGHT_ about Muggles!  
P.P.S. Yes, this is real blood.  
P.P.P.S. I hereby propose a truce between and Dark Side and the Light Side, until this matter is resolved. We'll play nicely (probably).  
P.P.P.P.S. I wonder how does San Francisco look like?

The End?


End file.
